I’m assuming most of the dad’s out there had a pretty similar experience to learning as I did growing up. From elementary school to high school and any schooling thereafter, they all had a certain rhythm—the teacher or professor gives a lesson, you take notes (or, like me, you don’t), maybe you ask a question or two (or, like me, you don’t), then there’s a quiz to check progress, and finally The Big Test to see what you’ve learned. 

It’s predictable—you study, you prepare, and you take the test. In theory, you know what’s coming (or, like me, you don’t do any of these and simply hope your guessing game is on point on test day). 

But fatherhood? Oh man, fatherhood completely rewrites that playbook. 

  • In school, you learn the lesson, then take the test. 
  • In parenting, you get tested and then learn the lesson. 

There’s no syllabus for this parenting thing. No heads-up before a pop quiz. No cramming for The Big Test. 

In school, there’s consistency. Two plus two equals four, every time. The War of 1812 happened in 1812 every time (right?). 

But parenting? Every child and situation is slightly unique and hardly anything is consistent. It’s almost impossible to prepare or know what’s coming and when. 

Rarely, if ever, are two similar situations even remotely the same when you’re dealing with kids’ personalities, temperament, age, etc. When it’s time to take a bath, one kid may throw a temper tantrum while another may happily sprint to the bath to play in the water. That could all be completely different the next day. 

There’s no consistency. 

One day you’re coasting, thinking you’ve finally figured out this whole dad thing and the next, your toddler is having a meltdown in Target because you picked the wrong color of sippy cup. 

Test administered. Lesson pending. 

There’s No Study Guide for Fatherhood

Fatherhood is a lifelong series of pop quizzes and surprise tests. You don’t know when they’re coming or what subject they’ll be covering. Some are small—like realizing too late that nap time is sacred and should never, ever be disturbed. Others are bigger—like figuring out how to stay calm when your child says something hurtful or when your teenager makes a mistake that genuinely scares you. 

These tests don’t come with a study guide. You can’t tell your toddler mid-tantrum to hold still for a second while you review the lesson plan for Tantrums In Target. And, unlike school, there’s no clear right or wrong answer. Sometimes you get it right by instinct, and sometimes you don’t. 

So, as you’re standing in the middle of Target and after the tantrum finally gets to be too much, you lose your patience and say something you shouldn’t have, and you inevitably feel the sting of guilt afterwards. 

Test failed. 

Or, you get tested in a different way, one that on the surface seems like an easy A—your child is having a problem and you fix it. I mean, you’re Dad, right? You’re the parent who tries to fix every problem for your kids. That’s great until you realize later on that in order for them to succeed, they need to stumble a bit on their own. Although you had good intentions and a soft heart, you ended up taking the accomplishment away from them. 

Another test failed. 

(I’ll be the first to admit that this test is difficult for me to pass.) 

In both cases, unlike school, the lesson is learned after the test. 

You can’t mentally prepare for every situation because rarely will it happen how or when you thought it would. You just experience them as they happen, mess up, and grow from them. 

Failing The Test Is Okay 

Not all failure is equal. 

In school, failure feels like a fixed trait. You bombed the test, your grade drops, your confidence takes a hit, and you live the rest of your days believing that History just isn’t your subject (or mine, in this case) and never will be. But in fatherhood, failure doesn’t feel so final. If used properly, it feels more like growth. It’s like you already know failure is part of the deal; it’s part of the curriculum. You’re expecting it but just hoping you don’t fall on your face too hard. 

You fail, you reflect, you repair, and that is the learning. 

You learn patience by losing it. You learn empathy by forgetting to show it. You learn the power of words by saying the wrong ones.

The test comes first. Then the lesson. 

Who Needs a Study Guide Anyway? 

As I’ve been on this dad journey for nearly two years now, I’m slowly realizing that this backward way of learning may actually be better. School prepared me to get the right answer. Fatherhood is teaching me to keep trying even when I don’t have it. 

So, if you’re feeling like you’re constantly being tested and don’t have the right answers and are failing the tests—it’s okay. With each failure, you’re learning how to pass the next time. 

And remember, we’re all learning as we go. Nobody has this dad thing figured out beforehand. 

Oh, and don’t forget to suck up to the teacher (read: your spouse). If you do it right, it can help improve your grades (read: your life).